Weird news: 8 Frightening Stages Of Watching 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation' On Netflix

Friday, 22 July 2016

8 Frightening Stages Of Watching 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation' On Netflix

If you're like me, you exhaust your Netflix movie options fairly quick, so when a new movie hits the stream, you can't wait to jump on that.

This weekend I decided to try the 1997 film "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation." And how quickly I realized, hmm, this may have been a mistake.

STAGE 1 - ENERGY

MORTAL KOMBAAAAT! DUHNAH DUHNAH DUHNAH DUHNAH DAH NAH! That opening music still gets you pumped. You can't teach these moves.

STAGE 2 - LESS ENERGY

Dial it down. A lot of movie left. Future self might argue "too much" movie.

STAGE 3 - UNFAMILIARITY

Hmm, the film starts off where the last one ended. But half of the main characters are played by different actors. Who are these people?

STAGE 4 - HALLUCINATION

Oh dear, this opening sequence. Was this CGI actually done on a computer or with scissors and a glue stick?

Where am I? Am I still I? I feel different. This whole place feels very different. Almost like even I've been replaced with another actor ...

STAGE 5 - DENIAL

Oh, no. ... No, no, no, no, no. Wait, this movie was made for $30 million and grossed $50 million? That's ... simply not possible.

STAGE 6 - EXHAUSTION

"Holy exposition, I have to lay down," said Andy, laying down on the couch that he always enjoyed laying down on, except when he didn't enjoy laying down on it.

STAGE 7 - SENSITIVITY TO LIGHT

No, I have to lay down further. I have to lay down deep. Hidden. So cold.

STAGE 8 - WITHDRAWING INTO A DYSTOPIAN FANTASY REALM WITH ANIMAL FRIENDS

Must. Photoshop. Pain. Away... The mutant rats in this post-apocalyptic city of ruins are my friends now.

"You're safe now," says my new mutant rat friend, affectionately scurrying across my brow. "'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation' can't hurt you anymore."

No, rat friend. It will always hurt.

Total viewing time elapsed: 13 minutes, 48 seconds.

Forever mood: Cheering on planet-conquering evil.

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